Before I begin, the reason I am including a “part 1” is because I may have opinions and points on this topic that will go on indefinitely, regarding different angles and common struggles that partners have. Therefore, this first part will be a general overview of my personal experiences and what I have learned from my past relationships, however much of what I will be focused on will be regarding why I and likely many others, act and react the way we do in relationships, and that the way our relationship plays out falls back on our own doings.
Referencing back to my first post; Mind vs. Me, I explained that our emotions and actions have almost everything to do with the memories we have from an adolescent to the current day. This is undeniably important to recognize when entering a romantic relationship. I say entering because at the beginning, you have no memories or history with this person in a romantic way and you really do have a personal responsibility to respect, communicate and be honest with the other person, and personally speaking I don’t think it is much of an effort to do these things when entering a relationship, I think we all want to because we are so happy. Everything is all sunshine and rainbows at the beginning of most relationships, that's why there is the term “honeymoon phase”. The distant memories in your subconscious are smothered by love and light and the rest doesn’t matter or come to the surface for a while. It isn’t until later when your past starts trickling into the present; for example how you handle an argument, how you co-exist, how you communicate, how you compromise or if you do at all. At the base of it, relationships consist of two people who collide their worlds together, and hope that the love between them can prevail over all else that the world throws at them.
If you are not able to work on yourself and if you do not want to make a sacrifice where one is needed, you end up creating detrimental memories, experiences and feelings for that other person. Ones that they will take on to the next relationship in the case the current one ends, and if it doesn’t end, resentment and anger arise, which just builds and builds causing people to hate each other. It is no wonder the majority of relationships end in ill intentions and hatred towards each other. With that said, a relationship takes work and sacrifices, yes, but not the kind of work where you feel as though you are filling up their cup and yours feels empty. You are just as important as they are, and it is an equal effort to pour wherever needs filling. I think that a relationship requires work on yourself, more than it does of two people together. If you both look within yourself, instead of immediately pointing a finger (I learned this over time) and realize what it is that is causing your actions and reactions, it is much easier to communicate and find yourself on common ground, as well as find a whole new level of patience towards the other.
My first significant relationship consisted of lies, fighting, cheating, manipulation and hurt. An exceptional amount of hurt. There’s a lot to be said about an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I felt as though I could fix this person, that I was the only one who could get through to him. I never internalized the hurt that I was feeling and the weight that it carried on me. My own parents forbid me seeing him because they could see what it was doing to me and my life, but yet I couldn’t. This toxic cycle slightly began around the age of 11 which was when we first met, and was full fledged from 15-19. There was not one person out there who supported this relationship, and one of the saddest things about these types of relationships is that most of the time, nobody is going to convince you to leave except for yourself. Personally, once I got an apology I assured myself I was fine again, and there was not one “I will be better” that I didn’t believe. Alternatively, I would get gaslit into thinking something I did was the issue, for example he cheated and I confronted him at a party (where I found out, to be clear), therefore ruining his time at the party. Most of the time I was the one apologizing, and I was truly convinced that I was the one in the wrong for something I didn’t do, and that can seriously mess with someone. If you are reading this and it somewhat resonates with you, I can promise you that it is better on the other side, you do have the strength to leave, and not all relationships leave you feeling miserable.
I soon jumped into a new relationship with someone who I knew from the age of 8. We had both come from exceptionally painful relationships, both a bit damaged, and while I didn’t realize it on my end, and I don’t think he did either, his had somewhat consumed him. From the beginning of our relationship he wasn’t in the best place, and I wanted to make it better, make him better. I wanted him to see a better world, and I wanted to be in it when he did. But this, is just simply too big and heavy of a job for a partner to do alone, it is never healthy for someone to feel like someone else’s life is in their hands. Year one was incredible, it taught me how to love in a healthier way, and that relationships don’t have to feel bad all the time. But from then, the decline began and there was no turning it around. My first relationship left me with a lot of anger, a lot of unmanaged frustration and a lot of hate. It made me bitter on the inside and very, very easily triggered. I had been storing these feelings inside me for a long time, yet I wasn't really aware of it. Consequently, it was released onto him when I would get triggered, which isn’t fair because he wasn’t the one who caused the original pain. This, mixed with his mental health, was the cause of the decline. We didn’t end the relationship for another couple of years which continued to hurt us both immensely and caused us to fall out of love, even if this feeling was hidden away and unable to be admitted. It is human nature to not want to leave what is comfortable to you even if you’re not aware that that is where the pull is coming from, and because we had known each other so long we weren’t just losing a partner, but we were losing a best friend too. So often, the best things you can do for yourself are the hardest.
When it comes to being with someone who struggles with their mental health in general, as this comes in many different shapes and forms, it can be extremely strenuous on the relationship. You have to take care of yourself, but you also want to take care of them, but it isn’t your job to take care of them, but if you love them you should take care of them, but this but that etc. It can be an incessant cycle where you never know what the right or wrong thing is. At the end of the day, you always have to put yourself first or you aren’t able to be in a position of helping anyone else, it’s just like in an airplane when they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before anyone else’s, your life always has to come first. Everyone has to learn to love themselves enough to believe they are worthy of a better life, and it isn’t fair to rely on someone else to convince you of this. Nonetheless, putting yourself first doesn’t mean putting the other down, there is enough love in you for yourself and for others, and enough positivity for yourself and others. Never forget that in a relationship, you both matter equally as much. There will be times when one of you needs more than the other, but it is crucial to then make sure the other is filled back up.Relationships are a partnership, and just because one party needs more love and attention at the time, doesn’t mean you need any less.
When this relationship ended and more importantly the way it ended, I truly felt as if there was nothing left in me and I just wanted to hit rock bottom, so I did. Funnily enough, hitting rock bottom was the best thing that could have happened to me because it first, allowed me to take my healing to a whole other level, but also allowed me to re-evaluate and find myself again, maybe meet a new version of me. I wouldn’t have wished the pain I felt on anyone, but to this day I have never been so proud of myself for the way I handled it. I showed the hell up for myself and picked myself up higher than I ever was before, because I knew I was worthy of becoming my best self, and the reason I knew I was genuinely healing was because I didn’t do any of it in spite of him, I honestly just cared about who I wanted myself to be from then on; someone that I deeply loved and someone that was capable of deeply loving another human in a healthy way down the road. As I mentioned earlier, some of the best things you can do for yourself are the hardest, but always keep in mind that the hard days you will endure will be the ones that create the most beautiful in the future.
Following this, I stayed single for a year, then had a couple short relationships here and there, then was single for basically another year, until my good karma found me. I know it would be predictable to say my current relationship is perfect, flawless, seamless etc., it would also be a lie. However, he is my perfect person. I am fully aware that I am not the easiest person to be with; my mood has highs and lows, I get irritated, I have a pretty strong personality, I expect A LOT and most of the time it is far too much, and I wear my heart on my sleeve and can’t help but show exactly what I am feeling (I am going to stop there with my flaws before he maybe changes his mind about me…). Yet, he loves me for me, whichever me I want to be, and he believes in me. Because of who he is, I have learned to slow down and analyze these feelings anytime they arise, and then reevaluate how I want to proceed. He is no stranger to struggle, yet he is the calmest and most reasonable person I have ever met. He has introduced me to this level of comfort where I know there is always someone behind me to catch my fall, and most of all, he has never once judged me nor made me feel bad about anything. I mentioned above that I think a relationship requires work more on yourself than the two of you as a whole, and for the first time in my life I started looking within myself for answers of why I react the way I do, and not just because I don’t want to lose him, but because I don’t even want to hurt him slightly. Ever. That’s when I knew this wasn’t any ordinary relationship, it is when I knew how madly in love with him I am. We fight; but it’s the patience and understanding of each other that makes us grow from it, we have differences of opinions; but it’s the compromise that helps us find common ground, and we handle situations differently; but it’s the communication that allows us to see where the other is coming from. I can feel the love between us come above anything else, and it is a really special feeling to find indefinite peace in someone.
Just like life itself, relationships can cause a lot of pain, but there can also be so much love, growth and solace. Just because you have felt pain and distrust in the past, doesn’t mean it is guaranteed in the future, as you are the only one bringing it along with you, and you are the only one capable of releasing it and moving forward. It isn’t fair to you and your perfect person out there to guard your heart because of someone else’s inability to heal from their own past. Forgive yourself for your own doings, forgive anyone who has dampered your view on love and relationships, release it all and allow yourself to open your heart again. Amongst the bad, there is always more good.
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