Do you want to enjoy your life? If so, how much and what are you willing to do for that? Do you also believe that you can thoroughly enjoy it? I cannot imagine that anyone out there would choose to feel anything other than happy, but the question is what are the lengths you are willing to go for it? You could not believe how many times I have tried to give positive and optimistic advice to someone or tried to console them and immediately been shot down with a “but that doesn’t make it any better” or “but that just isn’t true”. I almost feel as though it is a knee jerk reaction to reject positivity sometimes, it’s like your brain just cannot fathom it in the moment, and maybe subconsciously doesn’t even want it. To be very clear, I understand there are absolutely dreadful points in life where there isn’t any possibility of making it better in that moment, in fact I firmly believe you should feel your feelings through and through and release all of your emotions. I am not and will never suggest trying to find the “bright side” of certain situations right off the bat, or with some, I wouldn’t at all because they just don’t have one, period. It is important for you to know I am very aware of this, and that I am never going to smother unnecessary positivity on situations that simply do not have any. However, it is the extent of time and negativity, where I have seen it cause a detrimental impact on people, myself included. There are things that are out of your control that will be bad, and there are things that are out of your control that will be good, yet neither of these things are in your control. If there is nothing you can physically do in the moment to make something better, release the grip on needing it to be okay so desperately that you end up convincing yourself that it will turn out bad. This goes for life in general, when you worry so much that everything will go wrong, that is where you put all of your focus and therefore what makes up your life, when instead you could be putting that focus towards trusting that the best will happen while still having faith that it/you will be okay if it doesn’t. Genuinely ask yourself what the benefit of assuming the worst is or letting stress consume you when you have no control over the outcome? If your answer to this is that it prepares you for the worst, there is no such thing, you’re actually just living the anxiety and disappointment twice. You have to be okay with things not working out, and come to terms with that. It seems that the things that are out of your control are the things that are up to the universe to decide, if you simply cannot come to terms with this then you need to be asking yourself why you are so obsessed with having control. Not everything you want to happen is meant to happen, and vice versa, and you have to trust that process. There have been situations in my life where I was at a loss of what to do if it didn’t work out, and I was petrified of the outcome, low and behold those situations not working out the way I had envisioned were the greatest turning points of my life.
A couple years back my friend and I who are both from the same home town were catching a flight home for Christmas but the weather was terrible where we were taking off from, it had been blizzarding for days and if you live in Vancouver, you know how well equipped they are with the snow.. (Don’t even get me started on how the whole city shuts down from one snowflake) All of our other friends' flights were getting cancelled or delayed and we both had waited until Christmas Eve to fly out, so if it was delayed to a certain time, or cancelled, we would likely miss Christmas. My friend was in an absolute panic, spitting out all of these scenarios and what if’s, and I kept telling him, there is literally nothing we can do in this moment and there is no point in stressing about this, I am sure it will be fine and if not we create our own Christmas here. Of course it would be disappointing to miss Christmas with our families, and I would naturally be upset, but there was nothing in that moment we could do and sitting there in a panic wouldn’t be hurting anyone but ourselves. In my head, I knew we would make our flights with no issues because I trusted the best would happen. Then came the next morning and none other than our flight for that whole day was still flying out, let alone without a delay. My point here being, that stress and worry wouldn’t change the weather or the airline's decision, it wouldn’t ease any anxiety or stress if the flight did end up being cancelled and delayed, and the only effect it would have is a negative one on yourself. So instead of using that time up until our flight getting our panties in a knot, it could have been used for endless positive thoughts and actions that had nothing to do with our flight.
There is a certain level of “comfort” in your worry, and I know this very well. But the comfort is fake, and it doesn’t actually provide us with any benefits. For some reason, it is like our minds try to defend our negativity, and keep allowing it to not only have a seat at the table, but be at the head of it. Here’s the thing, we are fully in control of our brains, however it is not without effort and dedication that we can make our brains work with us and not against us. Regardless of how it seems, this is all advice to myself as well. I currently feel like I should be the happiest I have ever been, I mean the way my life is now is what I would have dreamed it to be just a couple years ago, I am walking the walk and taking the steps to follow my dreams, but despite what I am doing physically, sometimes my emotions don’t follow, and without your emotions aligning with your actions, it doesn’t feel even close to as good as it could. This is because there are times when my fear of failing overpowers my determination for greatness, or I convince myself I am not worthy of my dreams coming true, which is a whole load of B.S that my subconscious is trying to feed me. I have been at a point in my life (during this flight situation) where my conscience was on a different level of optimism, I simply didn’t care what anyone thought, I could turn around any negative notion in my head, and it felt like I had the answers to life and couldn’t believe that everyone else wasn’t living that exact way. So I know this level of happiness is extremely achievable and attainable, and I want us all to get there. With that said, life threw some challenging obstacles where I was let go of my job that I had for over five years, and I was in a relationship where I was constantly trying to prove myself and never felt good about myself, I just wasn’t happy and I stopped trying to be. For a while I gave up trying to genuinely be happy and was fine with everyone thinking I was happy, and really, I just wanted to be what everyone wanted me to be because I was desperate to find peace again and I knew I had lost myself and my direction.
In one of my previous posts “Relationships Pt. 1. Breaking Patterns”, I barely even mentioned this relationship because it wasn’t that long and if I had included every last fling that I had and the effect it had on me, you’d be stuck with a novel, however the lesson that it left me with was you really do have to be cautious of who you are surrounding yourself with and how they are making you feel. If you really want to be happy and live a fulfilling life, take a look at your surroundings, where are you, what are you doing, and most importantly, who are you with? This matters so much more than you may realize, because these peoples opinions on the world around them and the people in it, and how they treat them and how they treat you, are seeping into your brain and even if you are not aware of it which you most likely are not, it is on some degree sticking with you. Are the people surrounding you uplifting, supportive, kind, inspiring etc. or are they pessimistic, toxic, rude, and/or unmotivated? These are of course specific examples, but what and who you are around will wire your brain in the same way as theirs. If you are around someone who is constantly complaining, you are going to start seeing all of the things you are unhappy about and maybe even start noticing more to be unhappy about, but if you are around someone who is grateful for the little things, you may start to see a whole new world of appreciation. Make a point to pay attention to your surroundings, because nobody who negatively affects your life is meant to be in it, and that is OK. Personally, I wasn’t aware of why I was feeling so lost and directionless, or why my anxiety was at an all time high all of the time, until that relationship had ended. This person was slightly (I am being nice) judgmental, and over time I started analyzing every little thing I did because I knew he would too and it completely altered my life. I was no longer living it for myself, and looking back the reality is that he wasn’t happy with himself and his life and therefore projected those insecurities onto others. I would say I wish I had come to that conclusion before it had significantly influenced my life, but then I wouldn’t have reflected so deeply on the importance of self respect and dignity, and it wouldn’t be something that is at the forefront in my mind. It took a long time for me to rewire my brain to stop caring what people thought and instead act upon my instincts again, as well as remind myself that, after months of trying to be good enough for someone else and always feeling like I was falling short, that I am beyond good enough and I am worthy of being happy (as is everyone). With that being said, I can’t blame anyone else for my own behaviour and the loss of myself during that time, because in the end I needed to have a stronger sense of self and I needed to recognize my surroundings. As I have said previously, you are responsible for your own happiness, and that includes facing the discomfort and possible short term pain of letting someone go from your life who is no longer or never was, benefiting it.
My biggest and most persistent challenge in reaching my full potential of happiness has been to not feel almost suffocating anxiety when someone around me is visibly unhappy, because my first instinct is that they are mad at me (which I continuously try to comprehend why I have that initial reaction) and I promptly feel the need to do anything to fix it. It is to no surprise that 99% of the time it has nothing to do with me, and it is considerably toxic for myself to believe I am always at fault, even if I don’t know what about. Recognizing and moving through this is something that takes effort and consideration, and requires thinking back to my childhood to find the answers, as difficult as that may be. But if it means that will bring me one step closer to living the life I want to live, then there’s no question about it. In addition to that, by always expecting someone to be upset with me and pulling out all the stops to try and change that, it does the opposite of protect me, it exposes me to get hurt even more, because I have now put the power in someone else's hands and I am acting accordingly to them.
Expecting the worst is essentially you telling yourself you don’t deserve the best, for example if you are convincing yourself that it will be fine if you botch the interview for your dream job and therefore don’t try as hard to prepare, you have just told yourself you’re not worthy of it. Your fear of failure is greater than your ambition to have an extraordinary life. Why on earth would you want that? Living your life to the fullest should feel challenging and rewarding, not easy and stagnant and therefore you need to ask yourself if you are willing to make those tough decisions when it comes to the people in your life, the activities you partake in, the initial reactions you have etc. Change comes when change happens, and no changes are made by staying comfortable.
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